Friday, June 08, 2012

Part 3- Puzzling

Puzzling. it's probably the word that fits me right now.
Everyone, everything, seems to be complicated, complex in my eyes.
Not only are they puzzling to me, I can't even understand myself. What do I want... what do I feel... What I desire. Sometimes I feel like I just keep jogging in place. no matter how hard I've strived, how much I've tried, they seem to be so pointless.

Rather than trying so much to think positively, I'm being more scared after all. Scared of the new day, which day I expected to be a good brand new start. But I suppose it's not the case anymore. 'the me' now is totally different from 'the me' in the past. 'the me' now is hopeless, and lacking so much. I tell myself to be strong, but in the reality, I cannot. I tell myself to believe, but in fact, I cannot trust anyone. I tell myself to keep trying, but the truth is, i just break down in a blink of the eye.

No one seems to understand my circumstance, but that's okay, because I don't even have any strength to tell them, and even if I did, i don't think I could, my words would be worthless. these things running on my mind, they keep rushing, haunting me, I can't control them. I can't help it. In one second, I could think of one thing and move to another. it always works that way. and I have no idea why. the more I think about it, the more I feel so pathetic about myself. Because i'm pretty sure it's not just my feelings, it's me, it's the reality. I'm someone to pity on.

They say "you have to love yourself first, then you can love the others"
I'm trying, trying to love myself, but how can I keep going if I can't even understand these hidden feelings of mine?